Dealing with Sickness in the Midst of Sickness

Dealing with Sickness in the Midst of Sickness

So far, most of my columns have been pretty upbeat, although centered around a pretty heavy topic. This week, I’m getting a bit more personal and exploring an illness facet not usually spoken about. We read or hear about how cancer affects survivors and their families, but not much about the challenges of having cancer while loved ones are also sick.

I come from a long line of cancer genes. I lost my grandfather and auntie to cancer, and witnessed two other aunts endure breast cancer. I honestly never imagined it would happen to me. When I was 20, living in Colombia, my father got esophageal cancer. He had surgery to remove his entire esophagus. His life changed forever. His way of looking at the world — his spirituality and perspective — radically shifted. I was overseas and could do very little to help him, except offer emotional support and love. Luckily, the operation was a success, and since his recovery, he’s become a more open, kinder, gentler, and loving person, and my best friend.

Yet, nothing has impacted me as profoundly as my mother’s illness. When I was 19, doctors diagnosed my mother with dementia. The disease causes a gradual decline in a person’s memory and ability to perform everyday tasks. Alzheimer’s is the most common form of dementia, although my mother’s diagnosis was vascular dementia. She’d suffered from a little memory loss here and there, sometimes forgetting to pick me up from school or repeating a story, but it was never something that alarmed us.

Over the years, this forgetfulness got worse, and she was diagnosed in 2012. The news hit me pretty hard. I didn’t understand what the disease was at first, or how fast the deterioration would be. When I returned home a year later, she was still my mother. However, those first few years back home, when I was in college, her health and mental well-being declined dramatically. She could no longer drive, make meals or create art (her career and passion), and eventually couldn’t use the bathroom on her own. She needed my father for almost everything. Losing my mother — my beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, kindhearted, creative mother — in this slow and disorientating way was heartbreaking. I tried to be strong; find ways to cope. It wasn’t easy to deal with, but it was manageable. That was, until my diagnosis.

Going through a disease like lymphoma, while your mother is too ill to understand what’s happening to you is otherworldly kinds of difficult. It was in those moments of hair loss, hospital visits, chemo sessions, and days when I couldn’t get out of bed, that I felt like I needed my mother the most. I longed for her to hold me, to say it would be OK. I longed for her to say I still looked beautiful, even with my bald, patchy head. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to be that person for me.

Dealing with cancer while those around you are ill is beyond tough and frustrating. A big part of you craves the limelight. You want everyone to focusing on you and your recovery. But the reality is that life doesn’t work like that. We find that we have to be extra strong in the face of this kind of hardship.

I divulge these details not to depress you, but rather to be truthful. Sometimes we’re sick and have a huge support system and other times we’re sick, amid a sea of sickness. Fortunately, I didn’t have to do it all alone. My father was my rock during this ordeal, having dealt with cancer himself. And, of course, my friends. What a blessing friends are. The family we get to choose. I had an incredible group of people who took care of me. A best friend who drove me to every chemo session. Friends who threw me a big “f*** cancer” party at the end of it all.

The truth is, we don’t get to choose what happens to us in life, and we don’t get to choose what happens to people we love. We can’t control these things but what we can control is how we deal with pain and whom we choose to lean on, whether it’s our family, partners, friends, or an online support system. I have my friends as a grief outlet, and I’ve found relief in women’s circles, meditation classes, nature, and the support of other cancer survivors, many of whom I met on social media. Simply through searching #Hodgkinslymphoma on Instagram, I connected with so many strong, powerful survivors who helped me get through each day, one step at a time.

Ultimately, it is important to know that whatever you are going through, and however difficult it may be, you aren’t alone. Ever. Even if your home situation is far from perfect, you have to remember there are people out there willing to hold you, comfort you, and help you get through this.


Note: Lymphoma News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lymphoma News Today or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lymphoma.

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Michelle Raphaella Fredman is a 25-year-old writer, teacher and self-proclaimed travel addict hailing from Cape Town, South Africa. Two years ago, she was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. Going through cancer at such a young age was both an eye-opening and life-changing experience which in time became the catalyst to start writing and sharing her journey with the world, in the hope of helping others facing similar challenges. Her favorite past times include reading books, practicing yoga, being in the ocean, exploring the world and documenting the myriad beauties of everyday life. Currently, she's working as a full-time English teacher in Quito, Ecuador and in a few months will be moving to London to complete her masters in Journalism.


  1. Donna says:

    I disagree with “not being alone”. Many of us are abandoned by those we thought we could count on when we become critically ill. I ultimately went through cancer alone. My husband of 14 years filed for divorce (no inkling prior to cancer that he would leave me) and none of my family (save one sister who lives almost 200 miles from me and has a husband and small children) came to help. And yes, there were several family members who were in a position to come to me but did not. People I thought of as friends faded away to become “somebody that I used to know”.

    What having cancer taught me is that we are all responsible for our own well being and health. We, alone, take care of ourselves.

    • Hey Donna. I’m really sorry for your experience. The fact that your husband chose to leave you during a time when you needed him the most reveals a lot about him and his lack of values. Nevertheless, my point in this piece was to highlight the fact that often we do not get the support and love we long for during this turbulent time and yes, as you said, we do have to be responsible for our health and take care of ourselves. However that does not mean we are alone. Perhaps for you it felt that way and I’m sorry you went through that, but there are communities out there, people willing to support you, people who are going and have gone through similar experiences and can relate to your pain. Even if it’s just a stranger on the internet. There are ways to express and feel your grief without feeling alone. Again i’m sorry for what you went through, you sound like an incredibly strong person and I hope you find peace in your journey. All the best x

  2. Patty Kovach says:

    Hello Michelle, I have just got done reading some of your columns, and although I am much older than you are I can relate to a lot of the things you said about Having Hodgkins Lymphoma. I am 62 years old and have had this disease for over 16 years. When I was first diagnosed, my doctor told me I would be all done with the chemo, radiation, etc in 6 months. Well, that never happened! I never made it to remission. I recently had Ctscans, and they showed I was clear of the cancer. This makes me 8 months clear. Hodgkins Lymphoma has left so many scars , ones you can see, and ones inside me that only I know about. I was 46 years old when I was diagnosed, and my Mother too, had cancer and the day I was diagnosed was the day before my Mother passed away. Nobody in our family ever had cancer, so, when I found out my Mother had it and it was stage 4, I just could not believe it! Her doctor wanted her to do chemo treatments immediately, and after only one treatment, she went downhill. We had to take her to the hospital, she needed diabetes shots, as she now had that too. She ended up doing well for over 16 months. As DONNA above said to you, her family all about disappeared once she was diagnosed, well, same here. My Mother was totally ignored by both my two brothers. They wanted nothing to do with her. She would cry and ask me what did I do to them to make them act like this? At the time she was staying at my house with my Husband and I. I would call both my brothers and they would just sit there on the phone and not even care about what I was trying to tell them! Of course, I started treatment about three weeks after my Mother passed, and both my brothers never wanted to see me. Here it is almost 17 years later, and I don’t see either of them , or their families. I never knew they would act like this. We WERE a close family. That ended quickly. So, Donna I almost know how you were feeling when everyone ignored you. I say almost, because my Husband is ALL that I have. We are now married over 40 years and He is the best. I depend on him to just keep loving me and trying to help me get well. As I said I have never gone into remission, unless this 8 months turns into years? I would be more than thrilled!!! I do have wonderful nurses and a wonderful doctor. I have friends that email me all the time and send me little gifts and books in the mail. I LOVE to read, so doing that and being on the computer is about all I do. I also LOVE dogs, but, my dog passed away about 9 years ago, quite suddenly. I think that GOD knew I couldn’t take care of him and it is also why my Mom passed the day after I was diagnosed. I will just enjoy my life as best I can and take things one day at a time. Take care. Love, Patty

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